Hi everyone.

I jsut feel like I need to apologise to the people who are spending their time picking me up off the ground where I fall or curl up. I’m not having the best of times at the moment and so I’ve not been myself particularly, especially less cheerfulness than usual and more quietness and angst.

So yeah, sorry if my problems are having any negative effects on any of you guys. It’s just impossible to get help from the professionals for anything. I finally plucked up the courage (and the fear) to go to the doctors, and I got told to go away and think about whether I want meds or councilling and come back in a week or two. So I (being currently worried about being a danger to myself) went to try and make an appointment with the counciling people. They couldn’t even give me an appointment or any idea of when I might get one, they just took my number to call me when something came up. So apparently, all those times I said ‘there’s no point going to see the doctors about mental health problems’ I WAS RIGHT. And you know what? I wish I hadn’t been, because I could really do with some real help right now. I have my friends of course, but there’s only so much they can do and only so much advice they have to give. Plus, it’s not fair on them – hence this post designed to apologise for being so needy lately (especially to a particular few people who know who they are and have done more for me than they probably know).

But as they say, things are probably going to get worse before they get better. I’m not seeing the doctor again until Tuesday and that’s about six days where I have to try and not do anything more stupid than what I’ve already done. Six days of reminding myself that knives are for eating with and NOTHING MORE. Not that I want to scare you all – I just figure there’s no point in lying about any of this. I mean, I’m terrified that people are going to judge me badly because of all this (or worse, ask me questions about it and be pretend concerned).

So essentially what I’m saying is that I really appreciate the people who have been there for me and that altough I may continue to need people, I’m really sorry for it all and if I thought I could get through this all on my own I would, so I wasn’t preassurining anyone else or stresing them or anything. Because I really hate the thought that I’m letting any of you down by not being able to cope on my own :X


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