Just thought I’d keep ya’ll posted on whats going on with me lately.
Been finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning but I’ve been just about managing to get to all my lectures. It gets harder to hold it all together as the day gets on so I’ve missed a few practicals recently, since they are all in the afternoon and can stretch on for a maximum of four hours with no breaks.
I had another doctor’s appointment today, and so along I went, and had a bit of a chat with the guy, who is a bit creepy but he seemed to take me seriously this time. He thinks that as well as having Depression with a capital D, I also have some kind of anxiety issue which is exacerbating the situation (as you can imagine. So he’s prescribed me something called Citalopram, which (apparently) while generally lumped in with ‘Antidepressants’, they are often used to treat anxiety problems and are occasionally used on freaks like me who have both problems. So I start on them tomorrow. Apparently they will make it a lot worse for about a week. I might therefore be spending a lot of time hiding.
Two nosebleeds yesterday, not pleasent at all 😦 the second one lasted about 15-20 minutes and was pretty severe. Just as it started to stop, I coughed up the freshly formed blood clot (nasty nasty) and it started bleeding heavily again. I also got blood all over my clean, light coloured jeans and my clean, creamy/brown jumper. So I couldn’t go out on the ViP linear, adn people keep going on about how awesome it was 😦 so blah to them. *jealous*
Yesterday’s first nosebleed happened to coincide with the first archery shoot I’ve been to in a fair while. After failing to put the club bow together properly (it’s been an age since I used one of them things), I then failed to shoot proeprly (four misses! four ): ). Then, on collecting my arrows, I felt my nose running. Yep, blood. So i packed up the bow (with one hand) and left in shame and misery.
Then tonight at Exalted (one of the best parts of my week – thrilled it will be running another term) there were the usual jokes about my fatness (an in-joke, I might add – I’m not fat and I and everyone else knows this) which was all fine. Then we were having a discussion about Kalid (one of the characters) and how he was described at the start of the term as being big, bald and black. I mentioned this, and one of the other players (quite innocently, with no mean intent at all) said, ‘Alice. That’s racist!’ and something inside me snapped. I kind of crumpled and burst into sobs. They happened a few rtimes before I could pull myself together, but not before the other players hastily discussed stopping the fat jokes and whatnot. This is a shame because I genuinely take them in good humour, even when they dissolve into simple name calling. As long as people are calling me fat, they aren’t going to be calling me any number of things that might really hurt me for real.
So a weird few days really. Hopefully going shopping tomorrow with @Dango_Mew for a few bits and pieces such as OA social outfits, and Yellow Sign costume. Then having a nice night in with @TheGlaiveMaster, going to have Chinese food and watch my favourite film, Silence of the Lambs and its sequal, Hannibal.
Something that @Dango_Mew mentioned to me today seems like it might be a good idea. Keeping a ‘Happiness Scrapbook’ of pictures, thoughts and other things that make you happy, which you can then look back at when having a Bad Moment like I had tonight. Seems like a good idea, but I feel like I’d struggle to fill it at the moment. Most of the happy stuff in my recent past involves someone who is no longer willing to be a part of my life. Thinking about this makes me sad. So yeah, what I’d put in it at the moment is an unknown concept. It seems like my mind wants to put a bad spin on even cheery things.
anyway, enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute.
Enough about you, let’s talk about life for a while.
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses.
Falling all around…. all around.