So, it’s been quite a long time since I posted on here and I’ve had simultaneously a lot going on and nothing going on at all. Anyone looking upon my life since my last post would think that I’ve had very little to do and worry about, but internally it’s been a turmoil.
Most of you will be familiar with my situation, to a point. It’s a lot worse now, though. In the forging of a new relationship, I seem to have permanently damaged a very good friendship. This is something which I deeply, deeply regret – friendships are paramount to me, and the friends involved in them are the most important things in my life – they support me and drag me through these situations where I can barely stand on my own.
Knowing that through my own actions and decisions I have hurt someone important to me is awful, and has really thrown me off course. I know there is no way to reignite the friendship that’s been snuffed out – not in any depth anyway, and this is something I can never forgive myself for.
I’m in a new relationship, now – theglaivemaster and I are now involved with one another as a ‘couple’ – this is both a good thing and a less good thing. Good stuff – obviously someone to talk to, someone to sleep with (both in the actual way and the euphemistic way), someone to hang out with, to text, and to cuddle. Added to this the fact that Sam really, genuinely tries to understand what’s wrong with me, pushes me to eat when I don’t want to, and holds me when I cry at night. The less good points aren’t so obvious. There’s the aforementioned loss of a friend, the terrible fear that he’ll just up and leave me stranded and alone one day, the knowledge that someone else’s happiness and peace of mind rests with me – and I know I can’t even provide myself with any stability, how am I meant to do that for another person? Then there’s the tumult that comes with the fact that I still hopelessly miss my ex partner – this makes me incredibly guilty. It makes me feel like I’m being unfaithful to my ex for starting a new relationship, and to Sam because I still miss Matt. Matters of the heart are never easy to negotiate.
I’ve been suicidal again recently. I don’t want to kill myself – I would never wish that on those people who care for me – my family and friends, my boyfriend, and anyone else that may miss me if I were to do that. But I want out. I just want to leave this life behind. I’m sick and tired of hurting every day, waking up every morning and not having the motivation to get out of bed, and lying there every single night and not being able to fall asleep because the demons in my head are too loud, too much for me to block out.
Someone, a very wise someone (cookingwithwine) once told me how cowardly and selfish suicide is – and it’s something I wholeheartedly agree with. It just feels like the chances of me getting through this in once piece, or at all, are getting less and less. I want to shed this thick skin of depression and negative energy. This same very wise person has suggested that I take up a martial art, yoga, tai chi or something else that centers one’s chi. How useful IS this kind of thing? It doesn’t seem like it’ll work.
Another problem with that is that I feel like time and life are rushing me by – there’s no time for me to do anything. I don’t have enough time to get work done, to do archery, to spend with friends and my boyfriend, and yet in each day I achieve nothing. The thought of going shopping for food sends me into a panic – when will I fit into my busy schedule of panicking and not coping with stuff?
I’m not eating enough, and I’m not sleeping enough, and this is stressing me out (which, incidentally, only serves to continue the vicious cycle). The less I eat, the more weight I lose. This makes me worry about my health – I weighed 8st 6lbs in the middle of the summer term last year. This is barely over the minimum healthy weight of someone my height (8st 4lbs). The way my jeans are sagging around my non-existent stomach, and my belts are tightened all the way to the buckle suggests that I have lost enough weight for it to have a noticeable difference to my body – so I’m probably considered to be underweight now. But the more I worry about it, the less I feel like eating.
I’m also losing a lot of sleep lately – and this in turn stresses me out because I have a hard enough time concentrating in lectures as it is, without having to try and stay awake in them as well as taking notes and listening. I also worry terribly about my lab sessions – these are up to four hours at a time on one topic, in one room, with the same people. They are the most daunting things in my life at the moment. I don’t have the focus, the motivation, the energy, for these kind of intense labs.
This has all led me to wondering whether I’m really cut out for university level education. I dropped out last year because I hated most of my course. People told me that I was very brave for leaving something I was unhappy with and coming back to do something that I was really interested in. But what will they say if I drop out for a second time? That I’ve just wasted my time and money? That I’m weak, stupid, un-dedicated? I feel like I am all of these things. Leaving university would have so much impact on my life. I’d lose out on so many friends, experiences, hobbies, and an education. But several members of my family have told me that they will support me no matter what I do, whether I continue on here or if I drop out and go home to Wales. I just don’t know what to do.
There’s so much I want to say but can’t find the words for it at the moment – maybe more later.