More decisions

I did something random today. Something spontaneous. I’ve been considering it for a while but I’ve been too scared, but on Sam’s encouragement went for it. You’ll all find out when next you see me in the flesh.

I also tried to get in touch with my ex. I want to explain things to him, and I want him to explain things to me. We need to talk – I need closure. As a favorite band of mine said “It’s getting kinda creepy just nursing this ghost of a chance, the fictional romance”

I have made more decisions – some of you are going to think I’m crazy, especially those of you who knew me last year before I joined LURPS. After all the talk of intercalating, I got to thinking of university and courses and whatnot. So when I come back in October after my intercalation and summer time, I’m going to be doing a new subject – philosophy. I wanted to do philosophy and maths but they need maths A-level to do that – something that I don’t posses.

I know it just seems like I can’t focus on a single subject, but it’s not like that at all. I have several reasons for this, each as good as the next.

Mainly, I’ve always wanted to do philosophy. I wanted to do PPE when I first came to university, but my step-dad (who graduated from Oxford with a 1st in combined sciences and was my only source of university related wisdom) snubbed the course as something that idiots who don’t know what they want to do with themselves do. He then went on to say that philosophy teaches you a lot of interesting quotes but you don’t learn to think for yourself. So I ended up doing economics, politics and marketing instead. I hated marketing. Truly despised it to the depths of my being. The only way to get rid of it was to withdraw entirely and reapply to something that was as far away as possible from marketing. This led me to Biological Sciences with Biomedicine. This turns out to be far more stress and far different to what I thought it would be. Far too much practical stuff, not enough of the interesting theory stuff.

I have sorted myself out a job with bodybag_pilgrim for my time off, too. Doing the Fantomaster editing stuff. It pays well and is low-stress.

Even though things appear to be looking up, my mood stays low. I am sick of this internal, physical feeling of sadness and guilt and the feeling that I have like I’m always on the brink of tears. I’m sick of it, I want it to go away. I STILL haven’t been refered to the NHS mental health specialists by the doctor. He wants to give me another three to four weeks on the higher dosage medicine before considering that. Bah.

I don’t have much else to say.


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