Killing in the Name

So, usually I don’t make random posts when nothing much has been happening in my life. Usually I leave it until I actually have something worth saying. But I’m going to take a slight detour away from that to tell you all how shit I’m feeling.

Meeting with Philosophy Guy went ok today – he told me I’d be able to come back next year and start again again with philosophy. He did, however, make me feel quite incapable and very small. The meeting was only about ten minutes, and I came out with the result that I wanted but it really made me feel just awful.

Am I being totally crazy at trying the university thing again? Am I better off just quitting and finding something in the real world, or going on the dole, or something other than university? I’m really doubtful of my own capabilities here. Will I ever get a degree? Or am I doomed to make fuck-up after fuck-up until the uni says ‘No more of this, get out’?

I just feel so truly awful. Some days I’ll be fine, feeling like the medicine is working and that everything will be back to normal in no time at all, and then other days I just feel totally hopeless and like nothing will ever get any better. It feels like a big, physical ball of lead in my chest weighing me down and really making every step, every word and every movement so much harder than it should be.

All that is coupled with the fact that I’m coming down with a terrible cold – I can’t stop coughing and keep having a headache. So I’m feeling all useless because of that, too. The cold weather doesn’t help at all either, just means I want to hide in my bedroom without leaving the little circle where my heater reaches, let alone going onto campus to see my friends and hang out. When I have to force myself to go to the bathroom or the kitchen, going out seems impossible.

I’ve been so low recently that I haven’t done any role-playing in a really long time. I can’t change my mood enough from feeling shit to being in the mindset of a character who isn’t going through what I’m going through – it feels too all-consuming.

That’s kinda how I feel – consumed.

Maybe my earlier determination was wrong – like this, I don’t feel like I can make anyone proud.

As if karma of some kind has decided that today hasn’t been crap enough, I just walked into the kitchen to find that the message I left asking that people did their washing up so that the sink wasn’t full of stuff has been scribbled with the words ‘Piss off’ and ‘2nded’

Is it so wrong that I want to be happy, life? Why must you endevour to make this not so?


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