One step forward, two steps back.

So, I was feeling pretty proud of myself a few days ago. I’ve been feeling a whole lot worse than I’ve felt in quite a long time recently and I think I worked out why. I was suffering for a few days from a stomach upset of some kind, meaning that everything was evacuating my system super quick. This included my anti-depressants, meaning that I’ve had no new stuff going into my system for however long I was ill for, and what was already built up in my system has been slowly reducing in power. That infect was increased by the decongestants I’ve been taking to get rid of the horrendous cough/cold thing I’ve got, which make antidepressants less effective.

So I’ve been very low recently. I managed to hold off for some time, keeping strong and keeping myself safe from harm. But this morning I couldn’t get out of bed. It was an impossible task. I weighed a hundred tons, my insides made of lead, crushing in on myself. So I had to do something. I had to do SOMETHING to make the day possible to face. So I did it. I did something that I was so proud of not doing just a few days ago. And it let me get out of bed. It let me get dressed and go out and face the day. But now I feel so guilty. So small and so insignificant. So pathetic. Worthless and a waste of time and effort. My friends try so hard to keep me happy and sane and I go and let them down this way. I never, ever wanted to do it – I never wanted to let you all down. I feel like a phoney and a fraud for accepting the praise from my post the other day.

So this post is to say sorry. Sorry to everyone I let down. Sorry to everyone who is disappointed in me. Sorry to everyone who tried to help me and now feels like their time and effort have been wasted.

I don’t deserve you as my friends and family.



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