Isn’t it amazing how much two tiny little white tablets can effect your life? It’s now my second day without the citalopram and I can already feel the difference between having them and not having them. Everything anyone says is suddenly a personal attack. An un-replied-to text message is an indication that that person no longer wants our friendship as part of his life. I feel overlooked, unwanted and so, so sad. I really feel like I’ve forgotten how a smile feels on my lips, I can’t remember teh sound of my own laughter.
And the worst part is that I know that this is going to be how it is for a while now. I don’t start the prozac until Friday, and it takes a while to get working. I don’t know how to cope with this. I’m on the verge of tears at all times. All I can think about is how useless and stupid I am and how all my friends would be better off without me. I’m losing all faith in the decisions I’ve made. Why am I coming back to study philosophy? Why am I not going to Amsterdam? Why am I not on campus at the moment? Why are my curtains closed? All these things and so many more on top that used to have clear cut, definate answers don’t any more, everything is full of whys and what ifs.
I’m losing faith in myself. Hopefully the new medication will bring it back, but I don’t want to have to rely on medicine to be happy. I don’t want this illness to control my life, but at the moment I don’t have the strength – all I can do is lay down and let it walk all over me.