Cold Showers and Kisses


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 So, it’s the time of year where we get our ‘Summer before Summer’. I don’t understand why people are always so shocked – we get a week or two of gorgeous weather in May/June, then more rain and cold wind until September, where it becomes ‘unseasonably’ warm. It’s an annual process – the last time I had sun on my birthday (25th August) was about three years ago.

 

The strange foibles of British summertime aside, I love this kind of weather. Yes, it’s too hot, I get sticky and uncomfortable and find it harder to breathe than normal, and working in a kitchen is like hell, but I love this kind of weather.

 

I love having cold showers. It is definitely one of life’s greatest small pleasures. Get up from a hot night’s sleep and get that bit of shopping done, or that urgent letter sent, or just wander into the crowded, sunny town centre. An hour later, you’re tired, hot and sticky with sweat. In this scenario, there is nothing better than getting home and throwing off your clothes (as summery and light as they may be) and turning that dial down to the blue section.  You feel cool, clean and refreshed afterwards, and you can feel good for helping the environment a bit by not using the energy to heat the water up!

 

Everyone smiles more when the weather is nice. People have more fun. The world becomes a more cheerful place, full of bright colours and happy faces. I love this about the sunny weather. There are BBQs, walks in the park, late night laughs, and beautiful sunsets of the deepest orange. It makes me more optimistic that the world isn’t going to fade to black after all.

 

I’ve been in an interesting situation recently. Some of you might remember my entry from a few months ago, alluding to a ‘crush’ on a certain person. Despite my best efforts, this has failed time and again to get beyond the level of friendship. I get along with the person in question and find him attractive and funny, but I can’t force people into feelings that I’d like them to have.

 

Consequently, in an effort to forget about the ill-placed crush, I looked to other people that I know for comfort of a physical variety. As short lived as that was, I did realise that there’re more than just one guy in the world, and that I’m young and can do what I want. Keeping one eye on the particular guy, the other went roaming.

 

Contrary to (apparent) popular belief, I am not an attractive or interesting person. I am shy and uninteresting and always have trouble in social situations. But I am nothing if not determined. I looked everywhere I know for a potential spark. I found nothing.

 

I have recently rediscovered a social group that I was a part of last year – Roc Soc (Lancaster Uni Rock Music Society). The people in this group are wonderful – interesting and quirky and above all, accepting of my long absence from the group and welcoming upon my return. In light of this, I’ve been spending some more time with them recently outside of society socials. This has been wonderfully refreshing.

 

And in amongst this group of people is a particular guy, someone I’ve been friends with since I moved to Lancaster, someone who teases me mercilessly, someone who does the same course as my ex-boyfriend (freaky coincidence – there are three people in that year on that course and I know them all for different reasons), someone who is double my weight and a foot taller than me. Someone I had a sex-dream about in my first term of university. Someone I never expected.

 

We talked, laughed, flirted and kissed. It was a fabulous weekend. I am hopeful, in my naivety, that this might go somewhere. I am very aware of the fact that he is graduating very soon, and that his remaining in Lancaster rests on him finding a job and a place to live for next year (I understand that jobs relating to theoretical physics and maths are a scarce commodity in Lancaster). A long-distance relationship is unthinkable to me – I am too much of a fan of physical proximity and comfort for that, especially in my relatively unbalanced mental state.

 

I think it’s up to me to make this become something more than the occasional kiss in the dark at the club, the shy, short lived grasp of hands as we walk with people. And that’s a big challenge – I don’t trust myself with relationships, especially with ‘normal’ people like Chris. Will he be able to cope when I have a Very Bad Day? Will he understand my insecurities? This remains to be seen.

 

Speaking of my ‘relatively unbalanced mental state’, I received some texts on Saturday, the content of which would have greatly upset me had they come from any other person. As it is, the texts in question came from Promethean (aka Keen, Eager, New, Hobbit) Dan, someone who I have attempted to reach out to because they are a lonely and confused adolescent. I was always a firm believer that everyone can change with a little kindness and acceptance, but apparently I was mistaken.

 

Some excerpts from the messages I received (when he was in the same club as me, no less)

 

the only thing you have to deal with is how to walk into a convenient relationship’

‘You have everything better than me’

‘You’ve never had to fight for your relationships’

‘why should you get it so easy?’

‘All I get for my supposed friendship is threats’

‘Believe me, I’ve had more threats than you’ve had hot dinners’

 

I know not a lot of you know my character background, but those of you with some idea will be aware of how much I really don’t ‘have everything better’ than him. This kind of thing is incredibly frustrating to me. I want to be kind and supportive to everyone, but Dan has literally thrown it all back in my face. I tried so hard to make him understand that I have my own, very big problems (ie Depression, Anxiety etc) but he was never interested in anything else other than his own lack of a girlfriend. He claimed that he wanted to be friends with me, but ignored everything I ever told him about myself.

 

So this is me officially Giving Up On Someone. It doesn’t happen often, but he has pushed me too far.

 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get hot and sweaty in the sun (and love every second). I’ll leave you with this, which always makes me smile.


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