I’ve gone back to struggling. Every time I get into the getaway vehicle, the depression will throw out a stinger trap and stop me in my tracks. Get out of the car, go back to the lot and find a new vehicle.

I thought I was doing well recently, but it seems like I’ve just gotten better at fooling myself. Everything seems to be a short term solution. I’ve started work, as most of you know. I’m a kitchen bitch at Weatherspoons. They have me doing nine hour shifts on a regular basis. It’s very hard work because it requires you to be standing for the entire time. You also need to have hands of fireproofness in order to get up the speed and efficiency that the longer serving staff can manage. I feel useless most of the time, and I just want to quite. I don’t like the job. I’m terrified to quit though, since my friends enjoy going to that Weatherspoons quite a lot, so I’d miss out on a lot of social events because I’d not be able to show my face there. I know that if I quit, I’d be disappointing a lot of people too, people with faith in me, people who believe I can do it. I need the faith of these people.

The job is really exhausting me though, in a way I never thought it would. I leave work after each shift feeling useless and pathetic. I’m not sleeping well again, and whenever I eventually do get to sleep, it’s usually with tears on my face.

Usually, I love Darkside (not so much the music but the people and the atmosphere) but this weekend, after going to the effort of borrowing money off people to pay my entry price, I really didn’t have a good time at all. I felt self conscious about what I was wearing, dancing was wearing me out, and I was very claustrophobic. I usually love dancing, whether the dancefloor is jam-packed, or if I’m the only one on it, but being surrounded by so many moving bodies really made me feel…panicked, nauseous and afraid. I spent some time sitting at the back, sobbing into [info]theglaivemaster . I’m not coping with anything very well at the moment, and I just want to get back to normal, happy, stubborn Alice, who takes everything into her stride. I thought for a while that it would happen sometime soon, but apparently not – this ‘healing process’ seems to be taking a lot longer than I expected.

Another reason I can’t quit the job – I need the money. I need it to live. Going back to Wales and living at home isn’t something I’d cope with. I need to be near my friends and my doctor. I’m on the waiting list for CBT, but I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I’ve been feeling pretty disconnected from my family recently too, not having heard from home very much in quite a while.

All I want to do at the moment is hang out with Sam and Simon and play games and chat shit about nothing. I don’t want any responsibilities, I don’t want any stress. I just want to get better, and nothing feels like its getting me there, nothing feels like it’s helping. I want to be able to curl up at night and go to sleep easily, not to lay there convincing myself that there is something worth waking up for in the morning, because that is getting increasingly difficult.

Anyone who’s interested, next week I’m working Tuesday 12 – 9pm, Thursday 6am – 12, Friday 11 – 8pm, and Saturday 4 – 11pm. This means I will be missing both the LURPS meetings and the social :(.  I don’t know how many of those shifts I’ll get through. Doctors appointment on Tuesday, hopefully he’ll have some words of wisdom for me. (Hopefully those words won’t be ‘man up’)

At least the house isn’t constantly cold through at the moment. Though it’s unpleasant lately, since I’ve been too apathetic to do any tidying for a while so my room’s a shithole.

Also, my rats are vicious little bastards and Peter just bit me on the nose 😦



Life is shit. Work is shit. Everything is shit. This is a Bad Evening tm.

Living is easy with eyes closed

So, hope. It’s a bitch. This may seem like a strange statement but if I didn’t have hope, life would be easy. I could lay down and give up, and there’d be nothing there to stop me. As it is, there is something stopping me. That annoying little voice in the back of my head telling me that one day, my life will be as I want it. One day I will have the life I want.

But it seems sometimes like I’ll never get there. I’ll never meet the guy I’m supposed to be with, I’ll never get the job that’ll make me happy. I’ll never complete a degree. I’ll never make it. I really feel like it’s inconceivable for me to ever achieve any of the things that I want out of life. But I can’t stop hoping for them to happen. I even have short term hopes.

It’s really very frustrating. I hope so much that I’ll eventually get all the things that I believe will make my life good – a man who makes me smile, a job that is interesting and friends who love me – but I do not have a single ounce of belief that it’ll ever happen. I hope but don’t believe.

Do you see the difference, Live Journal? And can you tell me what will help?

Killing in the Name

So, usually I don’t make random posts when nothing much has been happening in my life. Usually I leave it until I actually have something worth saying. But I’m going to take a slight detour away from that to tell you all how shit I’m feeling.

Meeting with Philosophy Guy went ok today – he told me I’d be able to come back next year and start again again with philosophy. He did, however, make me feel quite incapable and very small. The meeting was only about ten minutes, and I came out with the result that I wanted but it really made me feel just awful.

Am I being totally crazy at trying the university thing again? Am I better off just quitting and finding something in the real world, or going on the dole, or something other than university? I’m really doubtful of my own capabilities here. Will I ever get a degree? Or am I doomed to make fuck-up after fuck-up until the uni says ‘No more of this, get out’?

I just feel so truly awful. Some days I’ll be fine, feeling like the medicine is working and that everything will be back to normal in no time at all, and then other days I just feel totally hopeless and like nothing will ever get any better. It feels like a big, physical ball of lead in my chest weighing me down and really making every step, every word and every movement so much harder than it should be.

All that is coupled with the fact that I’m coming down with a terrible cold – I can’t stop coughing and keep having a headache. So I’m feeling all useless because of that, too. The cold weather doesn’t help at all either, just means I want to hide in my bedroom without leaving the little circle where my heater reaches, let alone going onto campus to see my friends and hang out. When I have to force myself to go to the bathroom or the kitchen, going out seems impossible.

I’ve been so low recently that I haven’t done any role-playing in a really long time. I can’t change my mood enough from feeling shit to being in the mindset of a character who isn’t going through what I’m going through – it feels too all-consuming.

That’s kinda how I feel – consumed.

Maybe my earlier determination was wrong – like this, I don’t feel like I can make anyone proud.

As if karma of some kind has decided that today hasn’t been crap enough, I just walked into the kitchen to find that the message I left asking that people did their washing up so that the sink wasn’t full of stuff has been scribbled with the words ‘Piss off’ and ‘2nded’

Is it so wrong that I want to be happy, life? Why must you endevour to make this not so?