Going crazy. In the face.


So. As of Monday, I will officially be working two jobs in an effort to claw myself out of my overdraft. The one in the Weatherspoon’s kitchen, and then one 13 hours a week selling shoes in Shoe Zone in Lancaster. I am psyched to start the new job – I can do this job. I worked in Stead and Simpson’s for a year while I was in sixthform. The two shops are owned by the same overall company. The pay is less than in Weatherspoon’s, but it’s going to be less work. Working in ‘Spoons is, for lack of a better word, harrowing. Being on your feet for stints of up to 10 hours in one go just isn’t fun. And yeah, I know that work is work and it isn’t meant to be fun, but having a job that stresses me out as much as the ‘Spoon’s one wasn’t healthy. So getting to do much less of it is awesome.

The tricky part is going to be juggling what shifts I get where, so I’m not working a ridiculous combination of hours. If both sets of management could sort rotas out enough in advance it’d be great, but alas, I am yet to know when I’ll be working in spoons next week. If only I could get set hours, standard each week.

Hopefully, this means that I’ll be bringing enough money home to get out of my overdraft, and climb slowly into the positive numbers. Each penny I save brings me closer to achieving what I outlined in my last post.

I’m still looking for and applying for jobs, too. Ideally I’d have two part time retail jobs. The Body Shop are hiring at the moment – I’d love to be able to have that job and the Shoe Zone one and tell ‘Spoon’s where they can stick it. So I’m still keeping my beady eye open on the look out to see what I can spot. Anyone knowing of anything going, let me know!

In other news, things with Chris and me are going well. We’ve become ‘Facebook Official’ now, though we were officially a couple long before we got round to changing our statuses on FB. He’s away at Download until Monday, and I miss him. I see this as a good sign.

Been really spending a lot of time with friends from RocSoc recently, it’s great. Having two separate sets of friends and then seeing them merge as I invite them all to various things, like the BBQ we had a few weeks ago. I love seeing new friendships form amongst people that I like. The overlap of people is growing and it pleases me.

Time for a Jammie Dodger. Bye, folks.

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Downtrodden.


I’ve gone back to struggling. Every time I get into the getaway vehicle, the depression will throw out a stinger trap and stop me in my tracks. Get out of the car, go back to the lot and find a new vehicle.

I thought I was doing well recently, but it seems like I’ve just gotten better at fooling myself. Everything seems to be a short term solution. I’ve started work, as most of you know. I’m a kitchen bitch at Weatherspoons. They have me doing nine hour shifts on a regular basis. It’s very hard work because it requires you to be standing for the entire time. You also need to have hands of fireproofness in order to get up the speed and efficiency that the longer serving staff can manage. I feel useless most of the time, and I just want to quite. I don’t like the job. I’m terrified to quit though, since my friends enjoy going to that Weatherspoons quite a lot, so I’d miss out on a lot of social events because I’d not be able to show my face there. I know that if I quit, I’d be disappointing a lot of people too, people with faith in me, people who believe I can do it. I need the faith of these people.

The job is really exhausting me though, in a way I never thought it would. I leave work after each shift feeling useless and pathetic. I’m not sleeping well again, and whenever I eventually do get to sleep, it’s usually with tears on my face.

Usually, I love Darkside (not so much the music but the people and the atmosphere) but this weekend, after going to the effort of borrowing money off people to pay my entry price, I really didn’t have a good time at all. I felt self conscious about what I was wearing, dancing was wearing me out, and I was very claustrophobic. I usually love dancing, whether the dancefloor is jam-packed, or if I’m the only one on it, but being surrounded by so many moving bodies really made me feel…panicked, nauseous and afraid. I spent some time sitting at the back, sobbing into [info]theglaivemaster . I’m not coping with anything very well at the moment, and I just want to get back to normal, happy, stubborn Alice, who takes everything into her stride. I thought for a while that it would happen sometime soon, but apparently not – this ‘healing process’ seems to be taking a lot longer than I expected.

Another reason I can’t quit the job – I need the money. I need it to live. Going back to Wales and living at home isn’t something I’d cope with. I need to be near my friends and my doctor. I’m on the waiting list for CBT, but I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I’ve been feeling pretty disconnected from my family recently too, not having heard from home very much in quite a while.

All I want to do at the moment is hang out with Sam and Simon and play games and chat shit about nothing. I don’t want any responsibilities, I don’t want any stress. I just want to get better, and nothing feels like its getting me there, nothing feels like it’s helping. I want to be able to curl up at night and go to sleep easily, not to lay there convincing myself that there is something worth waking up for in the morning, because that is getting increasingly difficult.

Anyone who’s interested, next week I’m working Tuesday 12 – 9pm, Thursday 6am – 12, Friday 11 – 8pm, and Saturday 4 – 11pm. This means I will be missing both the LURPS meetings and the social :(.  I don’t know how many of those shifts I’ll get through. Doctors appointment on Tuesday, hopefully he’ll have some words of wisdom for me. (Hopefully those words won’t be ‘man up’)

At least the house isn’t constantly cold through at the moment. Though it’s unpleasant lately, since I’ve been too apathetic to do any tidying for a while so my room’s a shithole.

Also, my rats are vicious little bastards and Peter just bit me on the nose 😦

Whiskey in the Jar


So, it’s been quite a long time since I posted on here and I’ve had simultaneously a lot going on and nothing going on at all. Anyone looking upon my life since my last post would think that I’ve had very little to do and worry about, but internally it’s been a turmoil.

Most of you will be familiar with my situation, to a point. It’s a lot worse now, though. In the forging of a new relationship, I seem to have permanently damaged a very good friendship. This is something which I deeply, deeply regret – friendships are paramount to me, and the friends involved in them are the most important things in my life – they support me and drag me through these situations where I can barely stand on my own.

Knowing that through my own actions and decisions I have hurt someone important to me is awful, and has really thrown me off course. I know there is no way to reignite the friendship that’s been snuffed out – not in any depth anyway, and this is something I can never forgive myself for.

I’m in a new relationship, now – theglaivemaster and I are now involved with one another as a ‘couple’ – this is both a good thing and a less good thing. Good stuff – obviously someone to talk to, someone to sleep with (both in the actual way and the euphemistic way), someone to hang out with, to text, and to cuddle. Added to this the fact that Sam really, genuinely tries to understand what’s wrong with me, pushes me to eat when I don’t want to, and holds me when I cry at night. The less good points aren’t so obvious. There’s the aforementioned loss of a friend, the terrible fear that he’ll just up and leave me stranded and alone one day, the knowledge that someone else’s happiness and peace of mind rests with me – and I know I can’t even provide myself with any stability, how am I meant to do that for another person? Then there’s the tumult that comes with the fact that I still hopelessly miss my ex partner – this makes me incredibly guilty. It makes me feel like I’m being unfaithful to my ex for starting a new relationship, and to Sam because I still miss Matt. Matters of the heart are never easy to negotiate.

I’ve been suicidal again recently. I don’t want to kill myself – I would never wish that on those people who care for me – my family and friends, my boyfriend, and anyone else that may miss me if I were to do that. But I want out. I just want to leave this life behind. I’m sick and tired of hurting every day, waking up every morning and not having the motivation to get out of bed, and lying there every single night and not being able to fall asleep because the demons in my head are too loud, too much for me to block out.

Someone, a very wise someone (cookingwithwine) once told me how cowardly and selfish suicide is – and it’s something I wholeheartedly agree with. It just feels like the chances of me getting through this in once piece, or at all, are getting less and less. I want to shed this thick skin of depression and negative energy. This same very wise person has suggested that I take up a martial art, yoga, tai chi or something else that centers one’s chi. How useful IS this kind of thing? It doesn’t seem like it’ll work.

Another problem with that is that I feel like time and life are rushing me by – there’s no time for me to do anything. I don’t have enough time to get work done, to do archery, to spend with friends and my boyfriend, and yet in each day I achieve nothing. The thought of going shopping for food sends me into a panic – when will I fit into my busy schedule of panicking and not coping with stuff?

I’m not eating enough, and I’m not sleeping enough, and this is stressing me out (which, incidentally, only serves to continue the vicious cycle). The less I eat, the more weight I lose. This makes me worry about my health – I weighed 8st 6lbs in the middle of the summer term last year. This is barely over the minimum healthy weight of someone my height (8st 4lbs). The way my jeans are sagging around my non-existent stomach, and my belts are tightened all the way to the buckle suggests that I have lost enough weight for it to have a noticeable difference to my body – so I’m probably considered to be underweight now. But the more I worry about it, the less I feel like eating.

I’m also losing a lot of sleep lately – and this in turn stresses me out because I have a hard enough time concentrating in lectures as it is, without having to try and stay awake in them as well as taking notes and listening. I also worry terribly about my lab sessions – these are up to four hours at a time on one topic, in one room, with the same people. They are the most daunting things in my life at the moment. I don’t have the focus, the motivation, the energy, for these kind of intense labs.

This has all led me to wondering whether I’m really cut out for university level education. I dropped out last year because I hated most of my course. People told me that I was very brave for leaving something I was unhappy with and coming back to do something that I was really interested in. But what will they say if I drop out for a second time? That I’ve just wasted my time and money? That I’m weak, stupid, un-dedicated? I feel like I am all of these things. Leaving university would have so much impact on my life. I’d lose out on so many friends, experiences, hobbies, and an education. But several members of my family have told me that they will support me no matter what I do, whether I continue on here or if I drop out and go home to Wales. I just don’t know what to do.

There’s so much I want to say but can’t find the words for it at the moment – maybe more later.