Wish List


Wish List

I wish that every place looked and sounded and smelled like this. There is a robin redbreast just there in front of me, and I can hear its wings as it takes off. I’m surrounded by trees and shrubs and other forms of greenery. The floor is littered with leaves shed from the trees high above – the sunlight shines down through their naked branches. I can hear the birds singing and calling to one another. The odd rustle as some creature moves in the woodland. The traffic noise in the background can easily be waved off as a waterfall or quick-flowing river, if you want it to be (and I do). I can smell earth and mulch and life. Smells like childhood years in Ty Coed, with not much but the woodland to amuse myself with.

The world would be happier if it was one big copy-paste of Williamson Park.

I wish I was a writer. I have neither the skill nor the dedication required to do something so big, so daunting as to write a novel. I can barely even compose a short story without getting side tracked. And my poetry is abysmal. I also wish I could paint or draw. I’d love to immortalize the moment I’m sat in, the greens, browns, yellows, reds and greys of this scene.

I wish I had decision making skills. They don’t need to be big decisions, just everyday ones. What to have for dinner, whether to go swimming or not. I feel I should put ‘The Dice Man’ to real life test and leave my decisions up to chance. I wish that I didn’t know that that would lead to all kinds of other neuroses, like dice probability.

I wish I could keep track of my feelings. One minute I’m convinced I feel one way, but the next I want to revoke all the decisions I made based on the last set of feelings I had. I wish I understood myself. I wish I knew who Alice Rees really was.

I wish it was spring, so I was warm whilst writing this and the breath I exhale wasn’t visible, I’d love to see the flowers blooming amongst the trees and bushes, and for there to be butterflies and the scent of flowers in the air. Everyone is happier in spring time.

I wish I didn’t have to wake up each morning and take two little tablets. Two tablets that turn me into some semblance of a functional human being. Two tablets to stop me from reaching for the knife, the pills, the rope. They do their job, which, as cookingwithwine would say, is to ‘take the edge off’. Yes, they take the edge off. They don’t stop me from feeling guilty and low and self-resenting and worthless and all of the other things I feel, but they do stop me from punishing myself even further.

I wish I didn’t worry my friends and family. I wish I could be a normal, happy, healthy nineteen year old girl, who no one need be worried about.

Since I’m wishing, I wish that squirrel had been red, not grey. I wish it had been on the tree one across, too – I would have got a much better view of it from there.

I wish I could abandon this mess of a life and a person and forge anew. I’d love to just leave my bag, my phone and my shoes right here with this laptop and this text file open for the next person who finds this spot to read. I wonder if it would inspire them.

I wish I was five again. Having problems so trivial that my mum could kiss them away, that one minute I would be crying my eyes out and the next I could be laughing and playing again. Pain doesn’t heal so easily anymore.

I wish I could be a philosophical commentator. Spending my days writing interesting philosophical arguments about my own personal views on various ethical and moral issues. I’d love to do scientific vs. moral debates on issues that catch my eye.

I wish it was October 3rd 2008. The day of Fresher’s fair of my first first year of university. Still time left to change what needed to be changed. Change my course, change my attitude, change my life.

Fuck it.



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I wrote up a very long, very angst-ridden depressive post about all the crap I’m feeling at the moment, all the anger I’m feeling towards myself, and my parents, my workload, general complaints and moaning and being really upset.

But then I decided that, hey, if anyone cares to read about my problems they’d care enough to ask IRL when they next see me, so I’ll not write a post about all of that stuff.

I’m going to post a nice list of things which have the very real potential to make me happy. Maybe not right now, but as soon as I start to feel better, these will be the things which are most likely to make me smile.

 

My family – this is generally true (though not always), especially my brother Lewis whom I get along with brilliantly well. My Mum and I have always been fairly close too which is nice.

 

My friends – both old and new. Seriously, these people have shaped me into the person that I am today. The newer ones (especially ones I’ve made since the beginning of this year) in Lancaster, I really don’t know where I’d be without them since my break-up with Matt almost a month ago now. A couple of people especially have done their best to pick up the broken pieces of Alice Rees and reassemble them into a person, and to them a special mention (they know who they are). I’m having a hard time of it at the moment and these people are the only thing I can see that are worth going on for.

 

Music – my constant companion. Some songs have lyrics that I can identify with very strongly or which seem very profound, and some just appeal to me aurally in a great way.

 

Escapism –

1.   Role playing – At the moment, I have five characters that I breathe life into on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. Jessica Redgrave (ViP), Levex (D&D), Tylmarande (Exalted), Raltia (Dark Heresy) and Gardina (Far Shores). They allow me to escape from my nitty-gritty world of comedy and tragedy and step into their shoes for a few hours at a time and see what their lives are like, what they’re going through and how they’re feeling so I can forget those things about myself.

2.   Reading – a fantastic way to get entirely lost in a new world. You don’t control these people, their paths are predetermined by the authors pen strokes (or key-presses these days). That’s part of the safety net. The characters might get into some sticky situations, but you know that there is nothing you can do to save them, nothing you say, do or think can have any impact on their outcomes. And that’s a very nice thing to feel sometimes – completely blameless. The benefit of reading over watching films is of course the freedom to decide yourself what the characters, their world, their voices, et cetera, are all like.

 

 

Moonlight, Candlelight, Sunlight – light from natural sources is so much calmer and prettier than that of a light from a lamp or a light bulb. I know some people would quibble as to whether candlelight is natural or artificial, but I’m inclined to say that fire is a natural phenomenon.

 

Gigs – an extension of my love of music. The atmosphere at a live music event is intoxicating and once you’ve experienced it, you just want more. The same applies for clubs and club-nights, like Darkside of the Lune and Rock-it to the Lune (once a month at the Phoenix Club). The atmosphere at both of these events is fantastic, and feeling the music thrum in your chest is one of the best feelings – makes you want to dance all night.

 

Long walks and talks – I’ve always enjoyed the company of others far more than I enjoy my own company. Going for a long walk with someone you care about and have a lot to talk about with can be one of the most enjoyable experiences. Being alone with another person can really help me to offload – I’ve been told I need to learn to talk about my issues more, and having the full attention of someone else really helps with that.

 

Thunder storms – you know the kind; the wind is howling, the rain is torrential and loud enough to drown out quiet noises in the house, there are thunder claps and the sky is frequently lit up with lightning. It all depends on how I’m feeling, but sometimes walking in one of them can be just what you need (as they say, when you walk in the rain, no-one can see you cry). It’s very soul cleansing and when you get home and warm up you feel like a small person with small problems compared to the heavens opening up and emptying their contents onto the world below. Sometimes everyone needs to feel small. Other times, it can be the best feeling to be sat inside with a roaring fire (I’m reminiscing back to when we had one) in front of you, a mug of hot chocolate, and good company to talk with or an enthralling book to lose yourself in.

 

Being comfortable – I’m a firm believer that people do their best work when they’re at ease. This is why I kick off my shoes in lectures, or wear my scruffy pyjama style clothes to revise in when I’m in the house. It’s harder to think and concentrate when you’re constantly distracted by a tight tie or an uncomfortable shirt.

 

Sex – There is a lot to be said about sex and all its many connotations. I know that there are people out there who think that girls can only enjoy sex if they are sluts who sleep around. This is, of course, very untrue. There are two kinds of pleasure that can be gained from having sex. Physical pleasure is the obvious one – the feeling, the thrill you get from flirting with someone, the tingle you get as you sense the sexual tension building up between you, then the incredible release of endorphins gained from the physical act of sex is one of the best feelings a person can experience, and of course the after-glow, laying there all hot and sweaty and physically exhausted with your senses on fire. Then of course there is the emotional pleasure you can get from having sex with someone you love and are committed to, someone you trust so implicitly and explicitly that there really is a true feeling of oneness when you make love. The feeling of looking into someone’s eyes as you are as close as two people can get is incredible. Then once again there’s the after-glow, laying in each other’s arms and whispering to each other and enjoying the closeness of the most intimate act of love.

 

There are, of course, a whole bunch more things that I could write about, but my hands are so cold from typing that I have to stop now. I hope this is a nice change from my usual torrents of angst.