I have so much to do that I’m just going to give up and punch trees.


In my attempts to act my age, I feel like I should at the very least pretend to keep on top of stuff. There are so many things that need taking care of on a day-to-day basis, things such as laundry, washing up, cleaning and  eating to name but a few. This is TOO MANY THINGS. I have a very limited capacity to do stuff but I have unlimited scope of what I feel I should be doing.

Take for example that I feel I should not be living in my bedroom as it currently is. I’m twenty-one, officially an adult everywhere now, and yet my bedroom is still adorned with brightly coloured bits and pieces (tat, for lack of a better word) that I can’t bear to hide away in a storage space. I operate on a fairly simple basis – if I have something pretty, I should show it off. For a long time, I kept scraps of wrapping paper from a gift blu-tacked to the door of my wardrobe, because it was pretty, and my Mum had obviously taken the time to choose something visually appealing to wrap around my gifts – therefore I should show this to the world. Too pretty to throw away, but pointless keeping something like that in a box.

What this comes down to is me having a bedroom so overflowing with stuff that keeping it all tidy is a herculean task. I have so many t-shirts that they don’t all fit in their drawers if they’re all clean. Same goes for all my other kinds of clothes. So my washing basket is perpetually full, and without constant monitoring, is quick to overflow.

When I move into a new room (four moves in the last four years), I tend to fill up all the available space. It’s like my possessions take on some kind of gaseous quality and expand to fill all available space. I have a five shelf book-case (six shelves if you count the top of the thing) and I filled it without a thought. There is also a whole collection of about 100 Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books stacked on my desk because I can’t think of anywhere better to put them. Nevermind the fact that I’ve got a perfectly good shelf just there – that’s where all that stuff has gone to live, and I can’t move it! Where else would a couple of 13-year-old trophies, a kaleidoscope and a balloon pump go?

I suppose the biggest challenge is that i know I’d have to do all the sorting and reorganizing in one go, because I can’t move the books until I move that stuff, which I’d need to find a place for, which would need to be rearranged or tidied which would involve moving more stuff…I’m sure you can see where this leads.

The problem is that I can only achieve stuff if I break it down into easy, bitesize chunks. Clearing out one or two drawers might not be so bad, but the concept of doing the whole set of drawers in one go sends me into a panic that starts out so self-defeated that I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of doing anything at all (aside from maybe hyperventilating and trying not to cry)

Sadly there are some things that can’t be broken down, like making a phone call. Phone calls fill me with anxiety for multiple reasons, not least because people who know us both get my brother and me confused on the phone. Stuff that needs doing urgently is almost as bad, because there isn’t time to break it down, and often requires a lot of thought.

Needless to say, I can’t concentrate on anything when I’m in a frenzied state brought on by having stuff that needs doing, so I can’t even play a video game or read a book to keep my mind off things. So, my panic gets out of control and I can’t think about anything else, and my mind will start coming up with worse and worse potential scenarios that I just want to stop and hide under my desk like I used to before I filled the underneath of it with shoes, paper and empty carrier bags.

Mutiny


Last night, I put on my best reasonable voice and tried to make a compromise with my brain.

Me – Hey brain, I know you’ve been getting a huge kick out of the whole experiment where you test how many nights in a row you can let me have three to four hours sleep…

Brain – Yeah, you’re surprisingly resilient but I do think I can feel the sanity gnawers getting through the walls now.

Me – That’s great, but listen. You know the pre-release we’ve been looking forward to? Well Imm-

Brain – Woo, yeah! Zombies, vampires and werewolves, oh my!

Me – Please, just shut up and listen. Ok, good. As I was saying, Immune System has let us down and allowed illness into the body.

Brain – Damn that traitorous scumbag!

Me – As we both know, Throat and Chest have never been great at fighting off illness by themselves, so we’re going to need to help out in any way possible.

Brain – Yes! We’ll buy lemsip and strepsils and keep tissues in every pocket!

Me – As useful as all of those things are, one of the most helpful things is plenty of rest. Nice, deep, healing sleep. So, I was wondering if we could have some. Just Friday night, before the pre-release. You can continue the sleep deprivation torture experiments afterwards, but we need to be awake and also alive enough on Saturday to build a deck and play upwards of six matches with it.

Brain – While I see your point, giving you any extra sleep now would throw the schedule of your eventual descent into insanity way out of whack.

Me – There might be prizes, Brain. Extra boosters. More lovely Magic cards. How does that sound?

Brain – Hah, don’t try to appeal to my competitiveness. We both know you’re too rubbish to win prizes anyway. My answer is no!

Me – But…please?

Brain – Nope. Oh look, it’s 4.40am and that means time for you to wake up!

Me – *Throws self off a cliff*

Reposting from tumblr now I’ve got my blogging sorted.


Currently, all I’m doing is trying. The most monumental thing I’ve actually achieved recently is finishing Paper Mario and the Thousand Year Door. I’m trying to learn to draw. I’m trying to complete the ECDL (European Computer Driving License). I’m trying to declutter and tidy up my bedroom. I’m trying to sort my finances out. I’m trying to regain my old figure. I’m trying to be a thoughtful, clean and considerate housemate, an excellent friend and a perfect girlfriend. I’m trying to maintain my mediocre writing skills, and even to improve them. I’m trying to keep up on current affairs. I’m trying to lose the black dog. I’m trying to remember everything else I’m trying to do in order to list them here.

That’s a lot of things to try and do every day.

Consequently, days like today happen. I had a very small number of things that were vital for me to do this morning – an appointment to attend being the cruicial one. However, after waking up, my brain got stuck in the wrong gear, and started to focus on the fact that today, I am unlikely to achieve anything on my very long list. I began thinking about how little energy I have and how much of that it takes to walk to town and take an ECDL exam, then to meet my boyfriend and make him smile.

The panic of whether or not I’ll ever achieve anything set in. My last real achievement was in 2008, passing my A-Levels and getting into Lancaster University. Since then, my life has been strewn with failures at every step.

So, instead of getting out of bed and making sure that my ECDL isn’t another one of those failures, I spent two and a half hours reading back on the twitter feed on my phone.

I’m trying to stop doing things like that. Looks like I need to try harder.

I’ve lost the thread of this post. I’m not sure where I was going with it anymore.