First of many…?


I have had something recently that I’ve not had for a very long time. I had a Good Weekend. Not all of it was good, some of it was in fact awful, but for the most part, it was Good. The Prozac has been making me feel woozy but the side effects are much less severe than with the citalopram.

Friday night saw Sam run a one-shot of All Flesh Must Be Eaten. He decided to do this at about half eight, so there was zombie related hilarity with Sam, Simon, Dan and Stu until about 2.30am. It wasn’t a great role-playing experience for me, I couldn’t get into character at all, but the OOC banter was fantastic.

Saturday was of course the LURPS Hog Roast. Brilliant stuff, delicious food and great company. I had some bad times there though, mostly because I made a joke in bad taste and managed to convince myself that it had made everyone who heard it hate me, so I wandered off and spent an hour sitting around on the floor on my own before anyone came to find me. But I did get to smear Jelly on Connor’s face, which was funny.

Saturday night was Rock It To The Lune, which was awesome. I’ve not been out dancing in such a long time that I’d forgotten how good it feels, especially in the company of people who don’t care that I look like I’m having a seizure on the dance floor. I danced and sung and had a brilliant time. I even won the raffle (kinda). Then Simon, Stu, John and I went on to Hustle, where we stayed for about eight minutes before coming back to my place to play Magic: The Gathering.

Today, I was supposed to be playing in the game Mr. Slee is running over Easter. However, I had a massive panic this morning that my current state of fail would ruin the game for all the other players and spoil all of the GM’s hard work. So, I bailed out and went to learn how to play Go in the Sun, which was great.

After Go, I hung out with Adam for a bit, played some MtG and lost some chess. Not known Adam for very long but had a great time, it’s nice to find more people who are easy to hang out with. After that, Justin hosted a MtG cube draft, which was fun. Justin, Simon, Stu, Girly Mike, Adam and myself played and it was ace fun.

And that brings us to now. I’m doing my utmost to keep happy, which is why I’ve written about the weekend, to remind myself of how good it was. It feels like I’m having a come-down, which I suppose in a way I am. But hopefully I’ll be ok.

Seems that recently something’s been happening to me that hasn’t happened since November 2008. I think I’m getting a crush on someone. It’s a very weird thing and I’m not sure what to do with it. Leave it alone for now, I think, and poke it more when I feel brave.

Anyway, I think I’m going to eat some chocolate raisins and play Civilization 4. And no, I won’t tell you who it is.

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Fuck it.



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I wrote up a very long, very angst-ridden depressive post about all the crap I’m feeling at the moment, all the anger I’m feeling towards myself, and my parents, my workload, general complaints and moaning and being really upset.

But then I decided that, hey, if anyone cares to read about my problems they’d care enough to ask IRL when they next see me, so I’ll not write a post about all of that stuff.

I’m going to post a nice list of things which have the very real potential to make me happy. Maybe not right now, but as soon as I start to feel better, these will be the things which are most likely to make me smile.

 

My family – this is generally true (though not always), especially my brother Lewis whom I get along with brilliantly well. My Mum and I have always been fairly close too which is nice.

 

My friends – both old and new. Seriously, these people have shaped me into the person that I am today. The newer ones (especially ones I’ve made since the beginning of this year) in Lancaster, I really don’t know where I’d be without them since my break-up with Matt almost a month ago now. A couple of people especially have done their best to pick up the broken pieces of Alice Rees and reassemble them into a person, and to them a special mention (they know who they are). I’m having a hard time of it at the moment and these people are the only thing I can see that are worth going on for.

 

Music – my constant companion. Some songs have lyrics that I can identify with very strongly or which seem very profound, and some just appeal to me aurally in a great way.

 

Escapism –

1.   Role playing – At the moment, I have five characters that I breathe life into on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. Jessica Redgrave (ViP), Levex (D&D), Tylmarande (Exalted), Raltia (Dark Heresy) and Gardina (Far Shores). They allow me to escape from my nitty-gritty world of comedy and tragedy and step into their shoes for a few hours at a time and see what their lives are like, what they’re going through and how they’re feeling so I can forget those things about myself.

2.   Reading – a fantastic way to get entirely lost in a new world. You don’t control these people, their paths are predetermined by the authors pen strokes (or key-presses these days). That’s part of the safety net. The characters might get into some sticky situations, but you know that there is nothing you can do to save them, nothing you say, do or think can have any impact on their outcomes. And that’s a very nice thing to feel sometimes – completely blameless. The benefit of reading over watching films is of course the freedom to decide yourself what the characters, their world, their voices, et cetera, are all like.

 

 

Moonlight, Candlelight, Sunlight – light from natural sources is so much calmer and prettier than that of a light from a lamp or a light bulb. I know some people would quibble as to whether candlelight is natural or artificial, but I’m inclined to say that fire is a natural phenomenon.

 

Gigs – an extension of my love of music. The atmosphere at a live music event is intoxicating and once you’ve experienced it, you just want more. The same applies for clubs and club-nights, like Darkside of the Lune and Rock-it to the Lune (once a month at the Phoenix Club). The atmosphere at both of these events is fantastic, and feeling the music thrum in your chest is one of the best feelings – makes you want to dance all night.

 

Long walks and talks – I’ve always enjoyed the company of others far more than I enjoy my own company. Going for a long walk with someone you care about and have a lot to talk about with can be one of the most enjoyable experiences. Being alone with another person can really help me to offload – I’ve been told I need to learn to talk about my issues more, and having the full attention of someone else really helps with that.

 

Thunder storms – you know the kind; the wind is howling, the rain is torrential and loud enough to drown out quiet noises in the house, there are thunder claps and the sky is frequently lit up with lightning. It all depends on how I’m feeling, but sometimes walking in one of them can be just what you need (as they say, when you walk in the rain, no-one can see you cry). It’s very soul cleansing and when you get home and warm up you feel like a small person with small problems compared to the heavens opening up and emptying their contents onto the world below. Sometimes everyone needs to feel small. Other times, it can be the best feeling to be sat inside with a roaring fire (I’m reminiscing back to when we had one) in front of you, a mug of hot chocolate, and good company to talk with or an enthralling book to lose yourself in.

 

Being comfortable – I’m a firm believer that people do their best work when they’re at ease. This is why I kick off my shoes in lectures, or wear my scruffy pyjama style clothes to revise in when I’m in the house. It’s harder to think and concentrate when you’re constantly distracted by a tight tie or an uncomfortable shirt.

 

Sex – There is a lot to be said about sex and all its many connotations. I know that there are people out there who think that girls can only enjoy sex if they are sluts who sleep around. This is, of course, very untrue. There are two kinds of pleasure that can be gained from having sex. Physical pleasure is the obvious one – the feeling, the thrill you get from flirting with someone, the tingle you get as you sense the sexual tension building up between you, then the incredible release of endorphins gained from the physical act of sex is one of the best feelings a person can experience, and of course the after-glow, laying there all hot and sweaty and physically exhausted with your senses on fire. Then of course there is the emotional pleasure you can get from having sex with someone you love and are committed to, someone you trust so implicitly and explicitly that there really is a true feeling of oneness when you make love. The feeling of looking into someone’s eyes as you are as close as two people can get is incredible. Then once again there’s the after-glow, laying in each other’s arms and whispering to each other and enjoying the closeness of the most intimate act of love.

 

There are, of course, a whole bunch more things that I could write about, but my hands are so cold from typing that I have to stop now. I hope this is a nice change from my usual torrents of angst.