Mutiny


Last night, I put on my best reasonable voice and tried to make a compromise with my brain.

Me – Hey brain, I know you’ve been getting a huge kick out of the whole experiment where you test how many nights in a row you can let me have three to four hours sleep…

Brain – Yeah, you’re surprisingly resilient but I do think I can feel the sanity gnawers getting through the walls now.

Me – That’s great, but listen. You know the pre-release we’ve been looking forward to? Well Imm-

Brain – Woo, yeah! Zombies, vampires and werewolves, oh my!

Me – Please, just shut up and listen. Ok, good. As I was saying, Immune System has let us down and allowed illness into the body.

Brain – Damn that traitorous scumbag!

Me – As we both know, Throat and Chest have never been great at fighting off illness by themselves, so we’re going to need to help out in any way possible.

Brain – Yes! We’ll buy lemsip and strepsils and keep tissues in every pocket!

Me – As useful as all of those things are, one of the most helpful things is plenty of rest. Nice, deep, healing sleep. So, I was wondering if we could have some. Just Friday night, before the pre-release. You can continue the sleep deprivation torture experiments afterwards, but we need to be awake and also alive enough on Saturday to build a deck and play upwards of six matches with it.

Brain – While I see your point, giving you any extra sleep now would throw the schedule of your eventual descent into insanity way out of whack.

Me – There might be prizes, Brain. Extra boosters. More lovely Magic cards. How does that sound?

Brain – Hah, don’t try to appeal to my competitiveness. We both know you’re too rubbish to win prizes anyway. My answer is no!

Me – But…please?

Brain – Nope. Oh look, it’s 4.40am and that means time for you to wake up!

Me – *Throws self off a cliff*

The Common Cold


You’d think that, after thousands of hours of lost productivity, many millions of pounds spent on lemsip and going to the doctor, and billions of trees worth of tissues used every year, there would be at least something you could do about the common cold.

I’ve recently come down with a belter of a cold. Headache, sore throat, horrible chesty cough, sneezing, aching body, this one really does have all the accessories and there is nothing I can do aside from alleviate the symptoms slightly.

However, even that can backfire. I woke up this morning and my sinuses had decided to take all the snot and phlegm that my poor little body could produce, and throw a party with loud bass and flashing lights. My only coherent thought was ‘must…get…co-codamol’. I’d bought it from the pharmacy not long ago, because I suffer with excruciating toothache, but the pain in my head let me know that ordinary paracetamol just wasn’t going to cut it.

Now, I don’t know how many of you have ever seen co-codamol tablets, but they are flat round discs about a centimeter in diameter. At the best of times I find them difficult to swallow and need to snap them in half to make it a bit easier, but when it feels like there’s scarcely enough space in my throat to drink some water, swallowing four half circles becomes significantly more daunting.

After struggling them down into my throat with water and forcing them down even further with weetabix kindly provided by Itxi, I did start to feel a bit better. My headache lifted quite quickly but my voice is still pretty much a no-show for the day. I can talk, I just don’t sound anything like myself.

It would all be slightly less annoying if I didn’t feel like I should be immune to colds this year. I get an annual flu jab because as an asthmatic I’m in an ‘at-risk’ group, and they always give me a misplaced sense of immunity to a great deal of illnesses that I remain just as susceptible to. There’s a case of the measles doing the rounds? No problems, my doctor rammed a needle into my arm and vaccinated me against the whole world! Oh no wait, that was just the flu jab…

So, if you find my posts somewhat lacking in structure over the next few days, cut me some slack because I am recovering from what must be one of the most prolific of pests, the cold.

Just as a final aside, I am aware of the actual biological reasons pertaining ro continual mutation that makes a cure or a vaccine for the common cold quite impossible with our current medical technology. I just like to bitch and moan.