Killing in the Name

So, usually I don’t make random posts when nothing much has been happening in my life. Usually I leave it until I actually have something worth saying. But I’m going to take a slight detour away from that to tell you all how shit I’m feeling.

Meeting with Philosophy Guy went ok today – he told me I’d be able to come back next year and start again again with philosophy. He did, however, make me feel quite incapable and very small. The meeting was only about ten minutes, and I came out with the result that I wanted but it really made me feel just awful.

Am I being totally crazy at trying the university thing again? Am I better off just quitting and finding something in the real world, or going on the dole, or something other than university? I’m really doubtful of my own capabilities here. Will I ever get a degree? Or am I doomed to make fuck-up after fuck-up until the uni says ‘No more of this, get out’?

I just feel so truly awful. Some days I’ll be fine, feeling like the medicine is working and that everything will be back to normal in no time at all, and then other days I just feel totally hopeless and like nothing will ever get any better. It feels like a big, physical ball of lead in my chest weighing me down and really making every step, every word and every movement so much harder than it should be.

All that is coupled with the fact that I’m coming down with a terrible cold – I can’t stop coughing and keep having a headache. So I’m feeling all useless because of that, too. The cold weather doesn’t help at all either, just means I want to hide in my bedroom without leaving the little circle where my heater reaches, let alone going onto campus to see my friends and hang out. When I have to force myself to go to the bathroom or the kitchen, going out seems impossible.

I’ve been so low recently that I haven’t done any role-playing in a really long time. I can’t change my mood enough from feeling shit to being in the mindset of a character who isn’t going through what I’m going through – it feels too all-consuming.

That’s kinda how I feel – consumed.

Maybe my earlier determination was wrong – like this, I don’t feel like I can make anyone proud.

As if karma of some kind has decided that today hasn’t been crap enough, I just walked into the kitchen to find that the message I left asking that people did their washing up so that the sink wasn’t full of stuff has been scribbled with the words ‘Piss off’ and ‘2nded’

Is it so wrong that I want to be happy, life? Why must you endevour to make this not so?


More decisions

I did something random today. Something spontaneous. I’ve been considering it for a while but I’ve been too scared, but on Sam’s encouragement went for it. You’ll all find out when next you see me in the flesh.

I also tried to get in touch with my ex. I want to explain things to him, and I want him to explain things to me. We need to talk – I need closure. As a favorite band of mine said “It’s getting kinda creepy just nursing this ghost of a chance, the fictional romance”

I have made more decisions – some of you are going to think I’m crazy, especially those of you who knew me last year before I joined LURPS. After all the talk of intercalating, I got to thinking of university and courses and whatnot. So when I come back in October after my intercalation and summer time, I’m going to be doing a new subject – philosophy. I wanted to do philosophy and maths but they need maths A-level to do that – something that I don’t posses.

I know it just seems like I can’t focus on a single subject, but it’s not like that at all. I have several reasons for this, each as good as the next.

Mainly, I’ve always wanted to do philosophy. I wanted to do PPE when I first came to university, but my step-dad (who graduated from Oxford with a 1st in combined sciences and was my only source of university related wisdom) snubbed the course as something that idiots who don’t know what they want to do with themselves do. He then went on to say that philosophy teaches you a lot of interesting quotes but you don’t learn to think for yourself. So I ended up doing economics, politics and marketing instead. I hated marketing. Truly despised it to the depths of my being. The only way to get rid of it was to withdraw entirely and reapply to something that was as far away as possible from marketing. This led me to Biological Sciences with Biomedicine. This turns out to be far more stress and far different to what I thought it would be. Far too much practical stuff, not enough of the interesting theory stuff.

I have sorted myself out a job with bodybag_pilgrim for my time off, too. Doing the Fantomaster editing stuff. It pays well and is low-stress.

Even though things appear to be looking up, my mood stays low. I am sick of this internal, physical feeling of sadness and guilt and the feeling that I have like I’m always on the brink of tears. I’m sick of it, I want it to go away. I STILL haven’t been refered to the NHS mental health specialists by the doctor. He wants to give me another three to four weeks on the higher dosage medicine before considering that. Bah.

I don’t have much else to say.